Teachable Moments #mothersnotmartyrs

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Yesterday was an emotional rollercoaster. As usual I was up at 6am but by 10am I was ready to curl up in a ball and cry. The day before everything seemed to go right; my clients were satisfied, the bills were paid and the kids seemed to have a good day. I awakened for once restful and hopeful. When I went into my daughter’s room to get her up and ready for school, I could tell she did not rest well and was starting to have a panic attack. The panic in her eyes turned into a full body muscle spasm which if you’re the parent of a child with anxiety and panic disorder, you never know how it’s going to turn out. I immediately expect the worse – a day of recovery involving missing school and the dreaded call to the school that will end up in a phone call or letter from the superintendent. I hoped for the best – a quick recovery and breaking the speed limit to try to get her to school on time to avoid a tardy mark on her report. Either way you feel like a failure as a parent and it erases, for the moment, everything you did that was succesful the day before. You want to cry but you are trying to stay strong and think clearly. What can I do to help? What can I say to help? How will we ever get to where we’re going in time?

I used every tool I had to get her calm and at a point where she could sit up and think about what she was wearing to school. In the meantime, I’m conscious of the effect that her crying has on my anxious son and how this must be making him feel. My son had a morning appointment with his therapist and an afternoon appointment with his psychiatrist. By the time I got her calmed and ready and willing to head into school she had missed the first two periods and he had missed his first appointment. I wanted to cry after I dropped my daughter off to school. I wanted so much to make it to my son’s appointment as consolation, but they couldn’t reschedule it. Instead of  commending myself for salvaging what could have been an absence for one child, I felt like a failure because I let down the other.

These are the moments when solo parenting is the most difficult. When you’re stuck in a moment and there’s no lifeline. No one who’s available to rescue you from your temporary emotional crisis. It’s these times I come face to face with my Creator. I call on everything I’ve learned from my grandparents, from my church family, from the buddhist mantra classes, yoga and meditation workshops and the wisdom of my ancestors. I remind myself  that everything that happens, good and bad is temporary. I take a breath and ask for the willingness and summon the breath to wait until the miracle happens.

Feeling the morning was a failure (and knowing there was no bread or milk in the house), I drove directly to the supermarket with my son. We had a few hours before it was time for his next appointment and since he lives with social anxiety I was concerned he would be uncomfortable being in a place with strangers and bright lights. I took a deep breath and parked the car, expecting the rest of the afternoon to be just as challenging. Unexpectedly, he asked what we were getting at the supermarket, grabbed the reusable bags when I asked and seemed almost excited to be doing something other than school work. I showed him how to use the market’s self-scanners and he seemed to enjoy being in charge of scanning and packing up the groceries, and being in charge. We came home and he helped put away the groceries without asking and made the entire experience the breath of fresh air that I needed at that moment. When it was time to go to his therapy appointment, he wasn’t resistant. His therapist was happy to hear that he was not only engaged during our trip to the grocery store but also that it became a teachable moment and life skill experience for him.

I often feel as a mother and solo parent I spend most of my days making lemonade out of lemons. He learned how to shop for himself. I learned how to start my day over. Though lemons by themselves are sour, when we choose to add the sweetness of life, you can make them into a messy, enjoyable batch of thirst quenching lemonade.

I share my stories, and my life to help other mothers feel that it’s okay to be imperfectly human and not the martyrs society tries to tell us we should be.

Please feel free to comment below or email us at mothersnotmartyrs@gmail.com if this helped you in any way or you would like to join our closed Facebook Group.

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When there’s no time for breakfast #mothersnotmartyrs

Every morning I have the best intentions of following the morning schedule and getting out of the house in time and drive my daughter to school. I’ve given up on the dance between my schedule and her anxiety and accept that on most days she will miss getting on the bus. I’ve also found peace with the fact that I won’t send her off to school with the fairy tale pancakes, eggs and fresh squeezed orange juice and that most days her breakfast is a pint of almond milk and a protein bar or a pack and a half of instant oatmeal in the back seat of the car as I sit in traffic on the way to her school. What I am proud of is finding the easiest and most eco-friendly way to serve her oatmeal. I repurpose the empty ice cream pints . I rinse them, poke a small hole or two in the top and reuse them as a container for the instant oatmeal, grits and scrambled eggs or other cereal we have handy. The pints work great because they’re insulated to keep the temperature.

Just thought I’d share.🤩 Necessity is the mother of invention. Please share below something that helps make your morning rush manageable.

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Wishing you a reason to be grateful.

Grateful I don’t have to awaken to an alarm clock, pack lunches or rush anyone to school today. Grateful for my Aunt and cousin pouring love into pots and pans and for the abundance of laughter and hugs I have to look forward to later today. Giving thanks for all of my beloved friends and family today and always. ❤

#mothersnotmartyrs

Suffering is optional..

 

FB_IMG_1420297087362My daughter asked me a question last night that almost brought me to tears. “Mommy why does life have to be so hard for me and my brother?” I felt sadness, I felt guilt and a bit of regret but the only answer I could respond with was gratitude. Yes it has been a difficult few years but we have the comfort and love that many people don’t. Her question caused me to revisit my commitment to infuse more joy into our lives. So I purchased the movie they both really wanted to see even though it wasn’t my plan, popped some kernels, baked the pillsbury cinnamon rolls I was saving and we laughed out loud together. I can’t control the tough days but I can fill the other moments with great memories. 💜#loveistheanswer#therestoration

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Welcome to Blog “Mothers Not Martyrs”. I chose to call it Mothers Not Martyrs because I find that we are often using so much energy trying to be perfect moms, wives, sisters, aunts etc. and the effort to keep up the illusion can be exhausting and can literally make us sick. I hope in these posts you will find permission to take the heavy expectations off of yourself and feel free to just be the best Mother/Woman/Warrior you can and want to be!
I’m not an expert, and my children are not perfect but I’m willing to share my experience strength and hope and get the same from you all. I try to go live weekly in my Facebook Group of the same name, so please email me at mothersnotmartyrs@gmail.com if you’re interested in joining. The group is secret so that it remains a safe place where no one outside can see/hear our discussions. What you hear/see here, let it stay here and please no gossip or criticism; just love 💖

Feel free to stop in often, subscribe and I will not be offended if you decide it’s not a good fit for you and you choose to leave. This space is for you to share, vent, cry, scream and most of all to feel like you’re not alone. Whatever you need to be a healthier, happier you. I hope you stay.
~Tonita

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton